Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
j o i m p
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on