I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Seems kinda suspicious
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.