[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
$4 #usedbooks
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Meow
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious