[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Fights fire with marshmallows