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@FattMernandez: *Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
@living_marble: Was it something I said?
@bombsydoll: *sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn't that for diabetics?
me: it's what I would want
@TweetsByTheTony: El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
@joejwest: [on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
@therealeatwood: ARTEMIS: No man shall boast he has seen Artemis bathe! *turns Actæon into a stag*
[Artemis nudes go viral, 2.2M viewers turn into stags]