*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Yeah. This was me today.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.