Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.