@MiddleageM: Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs...
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@TheCatWhisprer: [cats at shelter] Where's Frank? "Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now."
@flashember: ME: Where are the posters? WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! [In other room] *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
@rickolantern: Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.