[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
They’re on their honeymoon
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?