[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26