[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
They did not miss in the small print
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much