IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
They also CAN sing✌️
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The Struggle
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
i actually laughed 😩
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll