Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.