*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Steam Forums
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I saw this ending much differently.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Cause of death: Zumba
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.