*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
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A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”