Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Trying
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂