Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*names my little horse OneTrick*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Dietest Coke
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.