Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what