Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I think they could have phrased this better
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
my retirement plan is braless
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.