@FierceMess: Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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@StoferComic: My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, "That's a strange color for a tree."
@UNTRESOR: [gets on Facebook] [types "you pushed me away but expected me to stay"] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
@_4kidscrazy: Me: *shakes bosses hand* Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss. Boss: No problem, restroom? Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.