Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Bond. Trauma bond.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now