“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
hi why am I like this
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.