“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest