How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
how much for the angry fruit?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.