Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
wish me luck lads
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking