Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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wow
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.