GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Cake!!
Oh thanks BBC.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.