@causticbob: sleeping beauty
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@Miniwheats2012: Me: Wake up son! Son: Just 30 more minutes please Me: I'm borrowing your phone Son jumps of the bed: I'm awake!
@Playing_Dad: [Cops at crime scene] Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet. Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
@_coryrichardson: me: i can’t make it to work today boss: why not me: [trying to make something up] uh.... my grandmas gerbil exploded boss: how does that keep happening