Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅