Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?