Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
You Might Also Like
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious