Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
It’s the weekend y’all
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Sign at work today
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok