I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
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The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
im 7 sauces long
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’m not stressed