My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
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[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
The government even made aliens boring
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*