Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
A friend sent me this.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs