Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I鈥檒l be sticking to my furniture for the next week
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
This year for Halloween I鈥檓 putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It鈥檚 brown.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it鈥檚 time to wrap things up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let鈥檚 find out
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn鈥檛 care
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Me: Ugh I鈥檝e gained so much weight
Him: It鈥檚 ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?