<- sleeps well with others
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As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.