Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]