This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Self-cleaning conscience
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him