*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?