Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Finally, an explanation.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant