@BabetteJones: Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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@LazyJ044: Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*
@Hellaphantitis: "So let's name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we'll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot"
@WonderMonkey78: I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
@Elizasoul80: Trump, 2 years into his presidency: "What do you mean we can't just file for bankruptcy?"