Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Why is no one talking about this?!
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.