Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?