Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.