[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
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Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm