[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.