*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.