My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Twitter is an abusement park.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.