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@_davidlucas_: *Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
@thejamietighe: *turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How's she now?
Him: Are you sure you're a doctor?
Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.
@peeznuts: -Give it to me straight doc.
-You'll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You'll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
@agathagotstoned: *walks out into irradiated air using an antique porcelain teacup as a gas mask*
*dies instantly, but with a touch of class*
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
"Wait. Then that means-"
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@adamzopf: I'd run a marathon but I don't know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?