*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
the answer was staring at me all along
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
these two trucks have the same bed length