[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
who will stop them
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
This trial is so absurd 😭