Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji