@markedly: [slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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@Soren_Ltd: Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don't get off.
@DoritosOverHoes: "YOUR 15" is trending worldwide instead of "YOU'RE 15" and that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet.
@bridger_w: Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, "I think you owe me an apology," then turn off your phone and go to bed
@jazmasta: *i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine* "Hold tight son...WAIT! If u are here then.." *son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*