[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
#oldknees
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys