[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”