*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I need better friends
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”