@Mr_Kapowski: My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there's lunch brought in by reps

@UberFacts: A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living

@thesulk: "You want to have your cake and eat it, too." "Yeah. It's MY cake."

@pleatedjeans: [standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER