@BlondAmbitionTO: On dates, if a man says the past tense of "see" as "I seen" instead of "I saw," I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@trevso_electric: The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

@electrolemon: scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer's name. "weighin' in at 182 lbs, 5'9", the ol' black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!"

@RadOrDie: I wouldn't mind getting arrested today because I'm having a great hair day and my mug shot would be fabulous.

@bingowings14: First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out. Because they do my head in.