@aksorojas: fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower*
me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me
@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
@drinksmcgee: I've decided that I'm just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day.
In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.
@InternetEh: I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now
@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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