@aksorojas: fiancé: *marvels at the beauty of the Eiffel Tower* me: will you do me the greatest honor of *looks at smudged writing on hand* murdering me

@GreatestWeight: I can't come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh's soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I'LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

@drinksmcgee: I've decided that I'm just going to sit in my boxers and eat cereal all day. In unrelated news, my coworkers are all staring at me.

@InternetEh: I just laughed so hard I have to go use a rescue inhaler now

@slyoung5: Good news: He told me I was his penguin. Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.